Crufts, string mops and air fresheners.

A beautiful little West Highland White has won Best of Show at Crufts this year. I guess that as a Westie owner I should be happy about this however I'm not sure that I am as pleased as I probably should be. You see for those of us with pet dogs who are not of show quality it can be a bit upsetting to compare our own mutts with the paragons that we see parading around the show ring.


The little Westie who won the show, "Devon-Geordie Girl" is pure, pure white. She is as white as the driven snow, as white as gloss paint and as white as cotton wool. In comparison Billy dog is a dirty grey shade, in fact he is as white as bathroom mould, as white as my nephews grubby sport socks and as white as cotton wool that has been used repeatedly to remove makeup.


Westies tend to get some rusty staining on their beards from getting their chins wet in their water bowls, Billy's beard is in fact pretty near ginger, however "Devon-no treats for me thanks, I've already eaten" must have been taught to drink through a straw as even her beard is white.


"Devon-Geordie Girl, look at me I'm perfect" has a beautifully groomed long skirt that practically sweeps the floor as she trots along. In comparison Billy dogs skirt is scruffy, starting to form dreadlocks and looks like it has been used to sweep the floor; the floor of a very,very dirty room.


"Devon- I've never rolled in Fox Poo" moves gracefully, head and tail held erect, barely glancing from left to right as she mirrors her handlers every move. Billy dog has his nose to the ground looking for dropped bits of food, then he jerks his head back against the lead to make sure I stop at every tree and lamppost so he can leave his mark.


"Devon-please lift me over that puddle, I don't want to get my feet dirty" stands perfectly still whilst the judge and the world admire her finer points. Billy dog scratches his ears, licks his balls and then sits and drags his bottom across the ground as he tries to dislodge a recalcitrant piece of poo that's got stuck in the hairs just below his tail.


"Devon-wow look at that cat, isn't it cute" has the perfectly rounded coiffure that's supposed to make the Westies head resemble a Chrysanthemum. Alternatively Billy dogs head has a disproportionately large nose, a strange under bite on his lower jaw that makes it look like his mouth is always open and his hair cut is more string mop than flower like.


No doubt "Geordie Girl-I don't think it's polite to bark at seagulls" smells sweetly of baby shampoo, talcum powder and freshly laundered, then line dried linen. Eau de Billy dog is a more complex blend of fragrance of seaweed, mixed with essence of swamp and attar of cow dung.


There seems to be a huge hoo haa each year following Crufts about the health of certain pedigree breeds, this year the judging of the German Shepherds has certainly come under fire. But don't let this divert you from what I consider to be the real issue with Crufts this year, which has got to be that the winner of the Best in Show, a supposed Westie, is in fact a remote controlled fluffy toy. "Devon-I never jump up on the furniture" is not in fact a dog, but a robot impersonating a Westie. What shocks me is that the  judges never realized, they have obviously never owned a real West Highland White. So if you sat at home watching Crufts and were impressed with "Devon-I love being bathed and brushed" and are now considering getting a dog like her, think again. You might end up with a real Westie, more like Billy. A dirty, smelly, greedy, noisy and headstrong little critter who hates baths, cats, and seagulls. A dirty, smelly, greedy and noisy critter who I happen to love to bits and who bizarrely I wouldn't swap for any best in breed, class or even best in show. Now where'd I put that air freshener, off the settee Billy and stop barking!