Orange peel, Dog clippers and GI Jane

Something bad has happened, something really, really bad.

The first time I used those words was many years ago and my family and I were on a coastal walk. We had stopped for a snack and were sat on top of the cliffs having some reshments and relaxing. We had a drink and an orange each and sat enjoying the view. Before we had stopped I'd been eating a piece of chewing gum, so after I had peeled my orange I put the orange peel on the grass next to me with the chewing gum on top. I ate my fruit then lay back in the sun. That's when the really, really bad thing happened. Mum, who was sitting next to me also decided that she too would like to sunbathe. As she lay back onto the grassy bank I realised that she had lain ontop of my orange peel and chewing gum. Not wanting to just come right out and say

"Did you know, you have chewing gum stuck to the back of your favourite blouse?"

I decided to break it to her a bit more gently, which was the origin of the now infamous family phrase of;

"Something bad has happened, something really, really bad".

I guess all families have these phrases and sayings that mean a lot to them, but to outsiders don't make a lot of sense. For instance other phrases we often use are;

"Don't put the plug in your mouth"

"I'll just avail myself of the facilities" and

"You're not my mum". But those are tales for another day.

I believe that it's repeating phrases like these, and the shared experiences that brought them about, that help to cement family relationships.

So what was the "really, really bad thing" that happened this week? Let me explain.

When I was made redundant one of the ways I decided to save money was by buying some dog clippers so that I could groom my dog Billy myself and not have to take him to expensive grooming parlours to be spruced up. I clipped him a couple of months ago and he looked OK so I decided to do it again as my sister, brother-in-law, niece and her husband are coming to visit this weekend and I thought that Billy was due a haircut.

Billy is a Westie and unlike some of his breed, he has always preferred a scruffy, shaggy hairdo. We live on the coast, near a surfing beach and I think that Billy bases his style on the surfer look. If he was a human he would have sun and saline bleached, shoulder length, tousled hair. He'd go for the "undone" look and would probably be wearing board shorts, an ethnic inspired tatoo and flip flops. But this week I decided to ignore his protests and smarten him up prior to our visitors arriving.

I gave him a brush then got the clippers out. The instructions said to use the shortest setting on his ears, which I did and they looked OK. Now bearing in mind it's summer, I decided to give him a shorter haircut than normal to try and keep him cooler. As his ears didn't look too bad on the short setting I thought it would be alright to use it on his body. So I clipped off a line of fur starting at his collar and continuing down to his tail. It wasn't very even so I went over it again a couple of times. Yes the instructions tell you only to go over the same area once, but I like to think that these instruction manuals are more suggestions than the law. A bit like the arrows in carparks, which I interpret as optional guidelines. So I ran the clippers down Billys back once, twice, certainly no more than nine times, trying to get the length even, his hair getting shorter and shorter each time. I then sat back to admire my handywork which was when I realised that something really, really bad had happened.

And that is how I now have a dog with a three inch wide bald strip running the length of his body. I had wanted Billy to look smarter and to feel cooler for when my family arrived this weekend, but actually he looks like he's got mange and I can't take him out in the sun for fear that he'll get sunburn. Less surfer chic and more like a monks tonsure. Less Seann Walsh, more GI Jane. Less Westie, more Chinese Crested.

It's 4 days now since Billys extreme makeover and its not really looking any better yet. There's only 2 more days before the first of the guests arrive so I'm not holding out much hope that he'll be back to normal by the weekend. How come when I shave my legs the hairs are long enough to plait by the next morning, but cut my dogs hair a little shorter than intended and he looks like he's been scalped a week later? I don't honestly think that Billy is really trying to get it to grow, so its his own fault if my sisters dog laughs at him.

When I was made redundant I did consider training to become a dog groomer, I think that the canine world will be rejoicing that I found alternative employment (by the way, the new job's going OK).

Right I better go now, I have an item for sale on eBay and its getting near to the end of the auction time. So if you want a little used set of dog clippers you'd better get your bid in soon or you may miss out, and if you do get them don't forget to read the instructions.