Audrey Hepburn, Storm Imogen and log fires.

Eventually my broadband was sorted and after a few very frustrating weeks I am now back on-line. Unfortunately pretty much as soon as my broadband was fixed my tablet died, it had been sick for a while but it seems now to have given up the ghost and I've yet to replace it. I really hate technology, it's great when it works but there always seems to be something going wrong with it. A bit like cars, they're just big money magnets, yes they are useful to get around in but are often a pain.


Whilst I'm on the subject of pet hates, I've discovered a new one these last few days. My new hate is the automatic, hole in the wall, hand washing machines that you get at service stations. Let me explain why.


I've been away for a long weekend and travelled back to Cornwall in the height of a storm. There were times on the journey when I feared the car was going to turn into Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and take flight, so strong was the wind. After driving for about 45 minutes the road was closed, and we had to take a diversion which added about an hour to our journey. Eventually we were diverted back to our normal road and were back on track, only to realize, all too soon, that myself and my travelling companion both needed a toilet break. Luckily we quickly came to a parking area complete with toilets, and a greasy spoon café.


Having used the toilets I went to wash my hands in one of the metal upright sinks where you have to put your hands into the aperture of the machine and hope for the best. For a nano-second I always feel a bit like Aubrey Hepburn. Not the most obvious time to feel like a glamorous film star maybe, standing in a drafty, smelly, public toilet. Nevertheless as I tentatively place my hands into the gaping hole I'm reminded of the scene in Roman Holiday when Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck visit the Bocca della Verita, or mouth of truth, a stone gargoyle that is supposed to act as a lie detector and will bite the hand off anyone who tells an untruth whilst their hand is inside. Anyway I braved the possibility of having my fingers bitten off in the hope of washing my hands.


I stood with my hands just inside the machine for a few seconds, nothing happened. Gathering my courage I plunged my hands further into the gaping abyss. Immediately a jet of soap squirted up my sleeve and ran down my hands and fingers. I rubbed my hands together but despite them being coated by about half a pint of soap there was no lather. Then off to the far right of the machine the water started to dribble out in a half hearted manner. I moved my hands into the luke warm trickle only for the water to drip to a halt and the air blower to start up. My still soapy hands were then blasted by an icy gale that put Storm Imogen to shame, then just in time to blast chill my hands without drying them at all it turned off. If I put my hands in again I would only end up soapier and colder so there was no point in repeating the process. I returned to my car with wet, soapy and freezing cold sleeves and hands. I don't honestly recommend smoked mackerel and soap sandwiches for lunch.


In the interests of balance and as Valentines Day is approaching I feel that although I hate technology, cars and hand washing machines (not to mention Morris Dancing, the feel of cotton wool and ironing) I should point out that there are many things that I do love. I really enjoy spending time with my family, I love winning at games, the unexpected warmth of the winter sun when sitting on a rock on the beach, Victoria sandwich cakes with raspberry jam and cream, a crackling log fire and crisp roast potatoes. So although technology is a pain, cars expensive and hand washing machines are inefficient the positives in life still out weigh the negatives. Or to quote the Monty Python team:

"Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...
And always look on the bright side
of life

Always look on the bright side of life."